For My Lola

From the moment I opened the door to the car and saw you looking at me and wagging your tail,

I loved you.

From the moment I fastened a pink collar around your neck,

I loved you.

From the very first time I watched you step in your water bowl,

I loved you.

From the very first time I smelled your sweet puppy smell,

I loved you.

Your hardship was my hardship.

Your suffering was my suffering.

And even on your darkest day, you brought me so much joy.

You were mine.

My sweet muffin.

I wanted nothing more than to give you a wonderful life.

Full of adventures and treats and lying in the sun.

I wanted it so desperately for you.

The day you left us, we woke up to snow.

I woke up on the bathroom floor to your snow covered head lying on my chest.

and I thought, “This is the day that everything will turn around”

But I was wrong.

I spent so much time with God in the last three weeks.

Praying and pleading for your life.

I’ve never prayed so hard in my life.

But God had other plans.

I can’t say that I blame him for wanting you.

You were too sweet, too good for this earth,

and it was time to go.

I know I was supposed to learn something from this,

That’s how it works.

But I don’t know what it is.

You taught me so much about strength

and love

and hope.

I never felt more like a mommy than when I had you.

And I am so glad that even though our time was short,

that you knew what it was like to be

loved.

Unconditionally.

I am so glad I was able to give you that.

I am so glad you didn’t pass alone, in agony

like you would have otherwise.

I am so glad I was able to give you the love and the dignity you deserved.

I loved you so much, Lola Bear.

I tried so hard.

So desperately hard to save you

but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards.

And I miss you.

I miss the way you always had to put your foot in your water bowl.

every.single.time.

I miss the way you looked at me and wagged your tail when I sang Adele and Katy Perry to you in the car.

I miss the way you snuggled with me at bedtime- even if it was on the bathroom floor.

I miss the way you smelled.  Like a freshly bathed puppy.

I miss looking toward the bathroom and seeing a little black puff  ball waiting for me.

And I miss the way you trudged around outside like a baby elephant.

I miss everything about you.

and I always will.

You were my first baby girl.

You were a fighter.

You were a love.

and you were so wise for your short life.

I promise I will not let up

I promise I will keep fighting for you,

so that you will not have died in vain.

Your story can help many,

and I will make sure they hear it.

I am so proud to have been your mama

and I always will be.

And when I think of you,

I won’t remember the hard times

or the scary times,

but I will remember the way you liked to sit in the sun with the wind in your face

and the way you loved your water bowl

and your wise eyes.

I will remember how you loved to be snuggled

and how you were such a big brave girl.

You accepted your fate with grace

and I am so glad that you came into my life-

even  if it was just for a short while.

You taught me invaluable things

and my universe will never be the same.

And when it’s my turn to come to heaven,

I know you will be there waiting for me.

Big and beautiful and strong.

Until then, Baby girl.

All my heart.

Your mama.

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